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drtamsdiary
drtamsdiary
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July 2008
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drtamsdiary [userpic]
Sunday, January 31

08:35

I'm missing two bottles of sedatives and several vials of smoothers. Must ask around, but immediate suspicion is items were taken by Jayne. Also missing hairbrush. Hopefully crew will see hairstyle as "artistically tousled".

09:15

Sat down to breakfast. Jayne took the last of the coffee before I could get to the pot. Tried to get everyone's attention to ask about the medicine, but was roundly ignored by all as they chatted and began eating their tinted protein (jin huang is apparently the color of breakfast). Repeatedly looked up only to find Captain looking away - could not catch his eye. Shepherd Book, oddly, was late. He finally arrived, barefoot, and sat down. Yes, barefoot.

I think Shepherds are taught how to make an entrance in their monasteries. When Book doesn't want to be noticed, he can be in the same room and yet entirely invisible; when he chooses to make his presence known, all eyes turn to him - and yet, I don't think I've ever heard him raise his voice. Wo ju de ci ji, especially when I've spent fifteen minutes lowering my expectations from trying to get everyone's attention to trying to get anyone's attention.

"Hey, Shepherd. Did God need a few extra words this morning?" the Captain asked.

Book cleared his throat. "No, actually. There appears to be a problem with the plumbing. The toilet...burped."

"Burped?" Zoe asked.

Jayne belched, as if we were unclear on the definition.

"Yes," Book said. "Only with more...effluvia than Jayne there."

"I'm plenty effluvient," Jayne said.

"Yes, especially after your run-in with that di lian biao zi on Persephone," I snapped. I'm so charming when undercaffeinated and underfed in the early morning. Jayne should fear me. Next time he takes the last of the coffee, I will replace his sugar with a powdered emitic. Would serve him right; he got off far too lightly after the stew incident.

The Captain cleared his throat. "Leaving aside Jayne's personal issues for the moment - Kaylee, you notice any problems with the plumbing lately?"

"No, cap'n, I haven't," she said, perkily. I'm sure she got coffee. "I've been spendin' most of my time babyin' the compression coil, though."

The Captain nodded. "Okay - when you're done eating, I want you to check out the septic system, see if we're about to have a problem." He glanced at me for a moment, but before I opened my mouth, he looked away again. He grabbed his plate and his coffee cup. "I got some important business I need to attend to."

"Captain, before you go - " I interjected.

He cut me off. "Sorry, Doc. It's gonna have to wait." Wang ba dan.

10:26
I would describe it as "vomiting", not "burping". Wonder if shoes are salvageable. Or socks.

10:32
I'm missing a shirt, as well. This is decidedly mo ming qi miao.

10:41
Went toward bridge to notify Captain of new issue. While walking past crew quarters, heard him shouting, "He chusheng zajiao de zanghuo!" He scaled ladder so quickly I wondered if Kaylee had altered the gravity in his quarters. "That ain't burpin', that's -"

"Vomiting. That's what I came to tell you," I said. His shirt-tails were hanging out of his pants, but did nothing to hide the bulge underneath, especially since the front of his pants were still unfastened. "Important business. I see. Was your membership to Chloe's Live Nude Cortexxx Review about to expire?"

The captain stuffed his shirt into his pants, fastening them up. "Never mind what I was doing. We got us a real problem." He came the rest of the way up the stairs. His boots were dripping. "Kaywinnet Lee Frye!" he shouted. "Time for us to take a look at the septic line."

12:20
Beginning to understand why doctors on Earth chained their patients to walls.

"There's a bundle trapped in the septic line," the Captain said to me. "An' I know for sure I don't have a shirt that fine, nor does Wash or Jayne. Got anything you want to be telling me, Doc?"

I sighed and let my head hit the wall. "River. I tried to tell you this morning; some meds had gone missing. She must have taken them and tried to get rid of them."

"Right. Well, it ain't comin' back up - it's got nowhere to go but out." He gave me a narrow-eyed stare. He doesn't need to shout - when properly angered, I think his eyes emit laser beams. I was certainly pinned to the spot. "We're gonna have to do a septic flush. Get suited up."

"Me?" My voice may have broken twelve years ago, but it still squeaks in times of duress.

"Oh, don't you worry, Doc. You'll have company. After all, you gotta learn to do it right. Think we're gonna cycle through it three, four times. Hope you're good for a long time outside."

"But...my sister..."

"Book can watch her," he growled. "Stop stallin', go change into somethin' a little more practical and get suited up."

Can think of far better ways to spend four hours with Malcolm Reynolds that involve far less clothing. Still unclear on what Captain thinks of as "more practical". Have removed coat and tie.

16:50
Hate leaving ship. Hate spacesuit. Hate septic system. Hate Captain. Hate sister. Hate Alliance, for making sister crazy. Hate chocolate for abandoning me in moment of need. Hate Jayne - not that he has done anything in particular since taking last of coffee, but on general principle. Hate sewage. Hate sewage very much. Hate Jin Tao Bergman, for pinning me down in schoolyard and making me eat dirt in third grade. Recognize this has no bearing on current situation, but felt this should be comprehensive list.

Ta ma de. Am going to sulk and read Jinping Mei. Would eat chocolate, but it is all gone. There is no justice.

17:20
I can't even be left in peace to sulk without a medical emergency happening.

17:40
Have successfully removed Jayne's hand from jar of candies. As am not man-ape, also slipped hand into jar while he was not looking and liberated several. Fair compensation for annoyance. Stormed back to cabin in full huff.

18:10
Knock on door. Chi shi!

18:11
Oh, no. That was Kaylee. Obviously must not show face in public tonight.

20:24
River slipped into my cabin a few minutes ago.

"You feel like stormclouds and pitchforks," she said.

I didn't raise my head. "You flushed your medicine down the toilet."

"It makes me feel fuzzy."

"In my shirt!"

"Can't touch the bottles. Could get hurt."

"And the dress Kaylee gave you?"

She scowled. "Zhen ta ma de hao kan."

"Our mother."

"No, just yours." She sat down next to me. "They gave me to Father for opening a new bank account."

"I thought it was a set of knives."

"No, those are Mom's. They're your sisters. Don't you see the family resemblance?"

Sometimes I can't decide if she's slipped out of reality or is merely making a joke that I, with my deficiencies of intellect, can't grasp.

She leaned against me. "Sorry."

"Oh, no, it's fine. Just the way I wanted to spend my day - standing in the bleak emptiness of space as fecal matter flowed over my spacesuit, trying to catch all the things you'd flushed before they went tumbling toward Andromeda."

She laughed. Brat. "Did you rescue it all?" she asked.

"Some Alliance cruiser is going to find a pink frilly dress stuck to its side," I said.

Must admit, the thought of Alliance soldiers attempting to scrape that horrible dress off the side of their ship is very amusing.


jin huang - golden yellow
Wo ju de ci ji - It's annoying
di lian biao zi - cheap whore
Wang ba dan - bastard
mo ming qi miao - mysterious
He chusheng zajiao de zanghuo - pig-fucker (more or less)
Ta ma de - fuck
Jinping Mei - classic work of Chinese erotica
Chi shi! - Fuck off!
Zhen ta ma de hao kan - looks as good as your mother

Comments

Also missing hairbrush. Hopefully crew will see hairstyle as "artistically tousled".

So THAT's what happened!

Of course!

My goal is to explain ALL the mysteries of the show.

YAY!!! And yuo do it so well, too. :-D

LMAO!! Just read all of the diary. Inspired work and very fun! Keep it up.

Also, on another note, can you be begged into finishing "A Charnel House"? I know I know, you really did finish it, but I wanna know what happened to Zoe and River....And I wanna see Big Bad Simon face off against Niska!! Pleeeeeaaaase ;) pretty please?

Glad you like! Tell your friends!

I have been seriously considering tackling that story again. My fear is that it will turn into something significant - we're talking 40,000 words or more. Eeep! So - let me get a couple of small things off my plate first (like a Simon Tam/Daniel Jackson thing I've been working on).

*sigh* well okay. Glad the bunny is still bugging you though. Look forward to seeing it.

so charming when undercaffeinated and underfed in the early morning. Jayne should fear me.

...

Can think of far better ways to spend four hours with Malcolm Reynolds that involve far less clothing. Still unclear on what Captain thinks of as "more practical". Have removed coat and tie.



Oh, I do so LOVE your Simon-voice. ROTFLOL No words except I LOVE this whole diary.

I have been only allowing myself small doses at a time, but OMG hysterical! I am assured of serious snickering and laughing with these entries. I hope I have much left to go before it is over....*Fingers crossed*