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drtamsdiary
drtamsdiary
.:. .::...... ..::.

July 2008
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drtamsdiary [userpic]
Thursday, January 21

River gave up her perch and curled up next to me in the middle of the night, clutching a chocolate bar in one hand. (Nothing I do, obviously, will render it safe.)

"What's wrong, mei mei?" I asked.

She hunched her shoulders as if someone were beating her and put one hand over my mouth. She closed her eyes tightly for a minute, and then opened her lips slightly and said, "Words. Hurt." It was as if each syllable were ripping her mouth apart as she said them, and she began crying as soon as she'd finished. I held her and stroked her hair until she fell asleep.

Book brought a tray in with breakfast. He began to speak, and River immediately woke up and began crying soundlessly, her hands over her ears. I motioned to him to stop, and mouthed "Thank you" to him.

I tried signing to her briefly over breakfast; her hands flew up to her eyes and, for a moment, I thought she was going to do a reproduction of Oedipus, replacing Jocasta's golden fibulae with a breakfast fork. She did not, but it's apparent that sign language is no better than speech. As written language in part uses the same areas of the brain as does sign and spoken language (and as I suspect she discovered this problem when she read the words on the chocolate wrapper), I do not think it is in her best interests to try communicating in that way.

As long as she cannot hear anyone speak, she exhibits no pain, but the sound of language, even if the person in question is not speaking to her, is apparently excruciating. Kaylee came down to the passenger dorm singing, and by the time she got to our cabin, River was a crying, writhing mess. I took her outside and explained the situation in the barest whisper, and she's since kept everyone away from the infirmary, common area and passenger dorm - except for Book, who silently delivered another tray of food several hours ago.

Part of me wishes I had pursued psychiatry instead of surgery, but had I done that, I could never have saved Kaylee, and River and I would be in Alliance hands by now.

I am aware one proper way to do an assay of psychiatric medications is through trial and error; one tests the medicines that may theoretically help the patient until one arrives at the most effective combination of pharmaceuticals with the least significant side effects. I did not consider when beginning, however, that I might inflict this level of torture (for torture it is) on River. The acaptrazinophinol has a three day half life; it's very likely that words will hurt her for several more days, and it's my fault. I can't even do anything for her, as I don't think analgesics would help the situation; I can only stay silently by her, and hold her, and cry when she does.

I am not intelligent enough. I am not intelligent enough. If our positions were reversed, this wouldn't be happening. If River were herself, and had to care for me, she would know what to do.

I am failing her.

Comments

{{{{Simon}}}}
{{{{River}}}}

{{{{you because this is so good}}}}

Thank you. I'm glad you like it.

*poor Simon and River* I need to watch those today. :-D

Rewatching these is ALWAYS good.

I am not intelligent enough. I am not intelligent enough. If our positions were reversed, this wouldn't be happening. If River were herself, and had to care for me, she would know what to do.

I am failing her.


*whimper*

Have I mentioned yet how pleased I am to have found you were doing this? I LOOOOOOOOVE you Simon voice!!! *gaks*

Thank you. I am very, very glad you like it. It means a lot to hear you say that.

It's true! I haven't caught up on all the "back entries" yet so I'm sure you'll be hearing more from me ;-)

omg... this is so heartwrenching!

keep up the good work! ;)